


A Matter of Time

by Tunfisken



Category: Hermitcraft RPF
Genre: (kind of), Angst with a Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Injury Recovery, Inspired by The Time Traveler's Wife, M/M, Mutual Pining, Prosthetic Limbs, Slice of Life, Time Travel, Watcher Charles | Grian, injury mention
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-07
Updated: 2021-02-07
Packaged: 2021-03-13 05:22:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,088
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29273169
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tunfisken/pseuds/Tunfisken
Summary: “I was… well, taken. From my world. I don’t know how long it’s been. Time passes differently with the watchers.” After a moment’s hesitance, Grian quietly admitted, “...I don’t think I’ve aged.”—A story of different moments in time in the lives of Grian and Doc.
Relationships: Charles | Grian/Steffen Mossner | Docm77, Grian/Doc
Comments: 20
Kudos: 172





	A Matter of Time

**Author's Note:**

> My other fics are still in the works, but when inspiration strikes a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do. I hope this can tide you over while I keep tinkering with my other stories <3

~ * ~

The first time he saw Grian, Doc was still young.

He couldn’t quite remember the exact age he was, but he knew that he still had all his limbs intact, and that he’d been little enough for him to be shameless about the fact that he was hiding behind his mother’s legs as the winged being approached them.

Doc could remember being unsure about the strange person who was speaking to his parents - he knew, even then, that the being was different from himself. Its skin wasn’t green like the forest, and it had wings like a bird. Magic swirled around it like bees around a flower field, and it had fascinated him enough to keep him in place, while also frightening him enough that he’d kept hiding behind his mother.

He remembered the being laughing, and it had made Doc’s heartbeat speed up.

It was a pretty sound.

When he’d dared to sneak a peek of the creature’s face, Doc had been disappointed to find its features being concealed by a mask. Only a mouth was visible beneath the almost glowing white. Doc remembered that it had been smiling.

—

The second time they’d met, Doc was twelve. Old enough to be properly introduced this time, yet young enough to pretend not to care about his parents’ visitors whenever they came around, even though Doc had had to admit, within the peace of his own mind, that this stranger was different.

He’d just returned to his home, knees scraped and palms stinging after playing in the forest until the sun was about to rise, the growing light starting to hurt his eyes.

“Is that you, sweetie?” His mother called from the kitchen, and Doc had groaned at the nickname before answering.

“Yeah, mom.”

“Come join us in the kitchen for a bit? There’s someone I’d like for you to meet.”

Grumbling half-heartedly as he went, Doc joined his parents in the kitchen like she’d asked. He stood awkwardly in the doorway, all gangly limbs and dirty clothes as his mother introduced them.

“Doc, sweetie, this is Xelqua. He is the watcher of our world. Xelqua, this is my son, Doc.”

He watched in slight distrust and hidden amazement at the strange man seated by their kitchen counter like it was nothing special. The man’s face turned Doc’s way, and he took notice of the way his face was covered up by the same mask he’d worn when Doc had seen him, years before.

There were no visible openings for the eyes, and yet Doc swore he could feel the man’s gaze on him. Xelqua’s lips widened in a grin. “Doc, huh? Nice to meet you, kid.”

Doc’s reply came instantly, as it always did when people called him that. “‘m not a kid.”

A bright peal of laughter left the strange man, and Doc felt the fur at the back of his neck bristling. Just who did this person think he was, openly laughing at him?

His mother’s sweet giggles joined Xelqua’s, and soon even his father’s gentle chuckles could be heard in the room. “Oh sweetie,” his mother said, voice placating enough for Doc not to storm off, confusion and frustration building up. “Of course you’re not. You’re getting so big, aren’t you?”

“Yes,” Doc muttered, and when he dared to look, Xelqua was smiling at him.

Doc sized him up for a moment - Xelqua was smaller than Doc’s father. Before making his escape up to his room to sleep the day away, he declared, “I’m gonna be bigger than _you_ someday, and then you’ll see!”

He ran off without waiting for Xelqua’s reply.

The sight of his fond smile stayed with him for days.

—

The third time they met, Doc had just turned eighteen, and his parents were throwing a party in celebration of their only child coming of age.

Doc didn’t know what had led to his parents and the watcher becoming friends, but he found it odd that they were close enough to invite Xelqua over, and yet Doc had barely ever seen him a handful of times while growing up.

As the winged man stepped through the clearing of Doc’s celebration, the creeper hybrid felt his breath catch.

Lanterns lit up the night and showed off the deep greens of the forest. The sparse light managed to catch the white mask covering Xelqua’s eyes, making the pale, bone-like material appear to glow. It was almost painful to look at, and yet Doc found that he couldn’t tear his eyes away.

Xelqua’s smile drew his attention despite the distance between them, and Doc found his gaze being drawn back to it, time and time again. He didn’t know why, and Doc was sneaking glances to try and figure it out. The sound of laughter came from where the watcher was having drinks with his parents, and finally, Doc managed to tear his gaze away, heat burning in his cheeks as he returned to his conversations with his friends.

Xelqua hadn’t changed at all. Strawberry-blond hair, wings like that of a sparrow. Still smiling. Still otherworldly.

Doc waited until Xelqua was standing alone at the edge of the clearing, nursing his drink and appearing to take a quiet moment to simply observe the party, a small smile adorning his lips. As Doc made his way over, his friends’ encouraging voices ushering him along, he kept his head held high as he approached the other man.

Xelqua’s head turned to face him as he walked over, raising his drink in greeting. “Congratulations, kid. It seems you’ve grown into a fine young man over the years.”

The ‘kid’ stung. But Doc didn’t let that deter him - he was young and fearless, slender and fair like a new tree, having recently left most of his teenaged awkwardness behind him, no longer stumbling around with knobby knees and too large feet.

“I’m not a kid,” he reminded, before taking a steadying breath, “And thank you. Are you… do you want to dance?”

Even though the mask was as unexpressive as always, Doc got the impression that Xelqua was blinking at him. “Dance?”

Doc nodded. “Yes. With… me.”

“Ah,” Xelqua replied, stammering for a moment. “I… am sorry, Doc. Wouldn’t you rather dance with your friends?”

Doc frowned at that. “I have been. Now I wanted to dance with you. Do you not want to?”

“It’s not that. I—” Xelqua took a deep breath, before starting over. “I’m sorry, but I can’t.”

“Why?” Doc asked. “If you don’t want to, that’s fine, but—”

Xelqua chuckled at him, and it made Doc’s jaws snap shut, cheeks once again growing warmer. “I’m a _watcher,_ Doc. I’m not supposed to interact with the worlds I’m watching over at all - and I’m already bending the rules just by talking to people. Dancing includes touching, and then I’d definitely not be allowed to return. I’m sorry.”

Oh. “That’s okay. I-I didn’t know,” Doc mumbled, looking down at the forest floor.

“Why did you suddenly want to dance, anyway? With _me_ of all people?”

Doc kicked at a lump of dirt, avoiding the curious gaze he could feel at the side of his head. “I just realised I don’t know anything about you, that’s all. And you, you know… you look nice. Like a nice person,” he was quick to add, hoping to cover up his slip up.

If Xelqua realised what Doc had meant to say, he was gracious enough not to mention it. The sound of chiming laughter said more than enough, anyway, and yet Doc found that he didn’t mind as much as he would have thought.

—

Doc and Xelqua kept in touch, after that.

After the rejected dance, the two of them had talked until the first rays of sunshine had begun to peek through the canopy above them, and the last of the guests had taken their leave.

Xelqua was nice company, Doc had found out. He was funny, charming, and just intriguing enough to keep his attention. When Doc had expressed his regret that Xelqua would soon have to leave to return to his duties, the other man had proposed that the two of them could exchange letters to keep in touch.

There’d be magic involved - of course it would, but Xelqua had assured him that it would not be a bother, and that he’d enjoyed their conversation enough for him to consider the two of them friends.

Not quite what Doc had been hoping for, but it was enough for him.

They didn’t speak often, but the letters kept him company when he’d moved out of his parents’ house to seek adventures of his own. Doc had gone from village to village, before eventually he started moving between worlds, gaining knowledge and meeting new people. There’d always be a letter waiting for him when he returned to his parents’ for a visit.

—

The fourth time they met, Doc was twenty-two.

He could barely see through the constant pain, and his body was heavy with grief. When the door slammed open, there were gasps sounding from the doctors caring for him, but Doc didn’t pay them any mind.

_“Doc—”_

His eyes went straight to that white mask - a mask identical to those he’d seen, only hours before, smeared with blood and gunpowder, eyeless beings taking in the scenes of chaos and destruction that they, themselves, had been causing—

His _parents—_

“Get out.”

Doc had never considered himself a bloodthirsty being. But in that moment, curled up on himself while clutching the remains of his arm, the knowledge that it _hadn’t been enough, nothing he’d done had been enough, he couldn’t save his parents—_ weighing heavily on his mind… he thought he might have become just that.

Xelqua was standing, frozen in the doorway.

There was no emotion in that mask. Doc refused to gaze beyond it - he was too hurt, too raw.

Doc watched with hateful eyes as Xelqua slowly left the room. He thought that would be the last he ever saw of him - of the beings that had decimated his parents’ world, leaving it a smoldering, barren wasteland.

—

To Doc’s surprise, they did meet again.

Things were different, this time. Years had gone by, and Doc had healed from his physical wounds, and he was well underway with the mental ones. Doc was twenty-six. He was bigger than Xelqua, and that fact surprised him as he took the other man in from across the small village Doc had been trading in.

The watcher didn’t seem to have noticed him, but Doc made the choice to approach him anyway.

“I’m sorry I didn’t respond to your letters. I hope you can forgive me.”

Xelqua’s face snapped towards him. Though his eyes were still hidden beneath that familiar white mask, Doc found that he could read the smaller man’s expression well enough.

“...Doc?”

Doc gave a small smile. “Hi.”

—

The two of them spent the rest of the day talking.

After Doc had suggested they continue the conversation at the house he was renting, Xelqua had been quick to agree, and as the watcher curled up by his kitchen counter while Doc prepared tea for the two of them, he was struck by the familiarity of the scene.

Xelqua looked exactly the same as he had when he’d been talking in Doc’s parents’ kitchen, all those years ago. He couldn’t help but smile at the memory, even as his vision grew blurry with warm tears.

“Doc? I - goodness, are you okay? Was there something I—”

“I’m fine,” Doc laughed, even as he wiped at his tears. “Truly, I… It’s good to see you again.”

Xelqua’s breath caught. “It’s… nice to be seen by you.”

—

“Your arm…”

“There wasn’t anything they could do to save it. They gave me this prosthetic - I’m still working on gathering parts for a cybernetic one.”

“Oh. I’m s—”

“Don’t apologise. I know now - and maybe I always did - that it had nothing to do with you. There was nothing you could have done.”

“But it was _my_ world to watch.”

“Did you have anything to do with the destruction?”

“...no.”

“So I was right.”

“...”

“Xelqua?”

“Grian. My… my real name is Grian.”

—

Grian stayed with him until the night came. That was all the time he could be gone before the watchers would come looking for him, but he’d promised to return the following day. Doc had asked if it wouldn’t interfere with Grian’s duties, but the smaller man had shrugged.

“I owe you as much.”

Doc silently disagreed, but he wouldn’t pass up on the opportunity to see the man again so soon.

Sure enough, the night went by and the sun rose above the dunes of the desert, and when Doc had just finished putting the kettle over the furnace to prepare tea, there was a knock at the door.

Xelqua - no, _Grian_ met him with a hesitant smile beneath the white mask. “Hi.”

“Good morning,” Doc greeted him, and invited the smaller man inside. “Tea?”

“Yes please,” Grian said, and walked past him to curl up at the kitchen counter. Doc watched in amusement as the watcher went right to his usual spot, and unlike the night before, the familiarity of it didn’t carry quite the same sting.

As Doc placed the ceramic cup down in front of Grian, the smaller man did something that Doc did not expect, pale hands reaching up to catch on the smooth edges of the mask—

With a small _clink_ and a rush of magic, the barrier between them was gone.

Just like that.

Grian’s eyes were brown. For some reason, Doc had expected them to be purple like his magic— And he didn’t know why that was all he was able to focus on, but Grian was staring at him and seeming to wait for his response, and Doc should probably _say_ something—

“Doc?”

Doc found his breath being taken away. Grian was all pale, unblemished skin and dark lashes. Almost doe-like eyes, staring at him with an expression of exhaustion - and that was what made Doc be able to draw another breath. Grian looked so incredibly tired.

“Grian, you… why?”

“I figured,” Grian licked his lips, looking at Doc’s eye. A quick glance was thrown towards his eye patch, but then Grian met his gaze again. “I… I figured that I owed you the truth. I don’t care what they do to me if they find out.”

Doc swallowed. “Would… will they punish you? The watchers?”

Grian’s hands closed into fists. “If they find out, they will. That’s why they… your parents’ world. The watchers thought me too close, and they saw nothing of value left to save there,” Grian all but spat out the last part, anger visible in his eyes and the furrow of his brows.

Like when he’d seen Grian at the hospital, Doc felt the rage build up inside him… before it snuffed out like a candle in the wind, not powerful enough to withstand the experience and knowledge he’d gained over time. A deep sigh escaped him.

“Just because you spoke to the people living there? That was their idea of you being ‘too close?’”

Grian nodded. Doc studied his expression, drinking it in now that he was able to. Grian looked… miserable.

“Why do you stay loyal to them? It seems to me like you don’t agree with what they do.”

A spark of anger lit up in those dark brown eyes. “I don’t. I _couldn’t.”_

“Then why—”

“Don’t you think I’ve thought of running away, Doc? They’d find me. They’d drag me back, punish the people I’m supposed to watch over.”

Doc’s eyes closed. “But you’re innocent, too. You deserve to be able to at least _speak_ to people.”

“Not at the cost of innocent lives.”

“Do you know for certain that they would? Have you ever tried leaving?” Grian went quiet at that. When Doc opened his eyes, he saw that the smaller man seemed frustrated. Hesitant. Slowly, Doc added, “...you could come with me, you know? I’m exploring, travelling between worlds. If we find somewhere outside of the watchers’ realms, we could settle down—”

Grian cut off his hopeful offer. “I can’t take that chance. It’s not worth the risk.”

Quietly, Doc sighed. “I disagree… but it’s up to you. I can’t make you do anything, but I’ll ask you to consider my words anyway. You deserve the same graciousness you show to others, you know?”

At that, Grian met his gaze again, the dark brown seemingly thawing as Grian’s expression softened. “I’ll… think about it.”

—

Life went on, but Doc found his thoughts returning to the other man time and time again. 

He’d be trading with villagers, and see purple fabric fluttering out of the corner of his eye, turning his head and expecting strawberry blond hair and brown eyes - only to see it was a cleric restocking his wares.

Even when Doc met another traveller like himself, a lanky man who introduced himself as Xisuma, the name was enough to remind him of the small watcher, even though he’d long since moved on to using Grian’s chosen name.

Xisuma knew people who could help Doc with the details he’d been struggling with when developing his cybernetic, and working with them was enough to draw his attention for a while - enough so that he found himself making plans with the small group to eventually move to a world together, seeing as they were all getting along well enough.

In between all the planning and logistics of the move, as well as the development and production of the cybernetic arm that would hopefully make his life easier, Doc and Grian still found the time to meet, and Doc was grateful for it.

Secret visits, stolen moments.

He cherished them all, even when Grian’s stubbornness frustrated him.

—

Doc was twenty-eight, and he thought about the relativity of the concept of time.

“Have you thought about what I said?”

Grian looked up at him. Doc thought he’d never get used to seeing him like this - mask off, and expression soft and _open._

The smaller man’s hesitance was easy to read, and made easier still when Grian answered him. “I have… but I’ve not come to any conclusions yet.”

Doc frowned, and turned fully away from the workbench he’d been halfway paying attention to. “Grian—”

“Can we talk about something else? Please? I still need time.”

Doc closed his eyes. Two years had passed. It seemed like so long, and yet, in a way, he understood - an interesting dichotomy between what felt like an eon, and yet, like no time had passed at all. Interesting, but frustrating nonetheless. 

He hated knowing that Grian was hurting - more than he let on, that was for sure. Doc’s life was moving, changing. Grian was stagnant. A frozen lake compared to Doc’s flowing river - but he couldn’t deny Grian’s plea, not when the other man had looked almost desperate as he asked. “Okay.”

Grian breathed out a sigh of relief. “Thank you.”

“What do you wish to talk about, then?”

Grian hummed, and when Doc looked at him, the smaller man was tapping his chin. “Well… we mostly talk about what is going on in your life. Is there anything you want to know about me?”

Doc thought about it for a moment, even as he turned back to face the workbench to keep fiddling with the circuits and panels he was working on. The cybernetic was almost finished.

“How old are you, really?”

Grian huffed out an amused laugh behind him, and it forced Doc to smile. “Don’t you know it’s impolite to ask a gentleman his age, Doc?”

“You told me to ask.”

“I suppose I did,” Grian chuckled, and walked over to stand by Doc’s side, peeking around his arm at what he was working on. He barely reached Doc’s shoulder, and he found his heart speeding up for more reasons than one - Doc didn’t think they’d ever been quite so close, barely a hand’s width between them—

“I was twenty-six when they took me.”

Doc blinked away his stupor. That… was new information indeed. “Took you?”

“Ah,” Grian said, seeming to notice his own wording. “Yes. The watchers, they… well. I wasn’t always like them, you know?”

“You’re not like them now, either,” Doc said.

Grian smiled, a helpless, little thing—

“I suppose I’m not. The point is, I was… well, taken. From my world. I don’t know how long it’s been. Time passes differently with the watchers.” After a moment’s hesitance, Grian quietly admitted, “...I don’t think I’ve aged.”

“Oh.”

The two of them stood in silence, side by side. Doc’s mind was like the eye of a hurricane - quiet, surrounded by a chaos of spinning thoughts as he took in the implications of Grian’s words.

Finally, Grian broke the tension with a half-hearted attempt at lightening the mood. “I guess you’re older than I am, now. Physically, at least.”

“I guess I am,” Doc breathed. He hesitated for a moment, before adding with a weary smile, “and bigger, too - though that’s not hard to achieve, what with how tiny you are.”

“Hey!”

—

“Let me see, let me see!”

Doc was twenty-nine, and he had finished his cybernetic arm a few months prior. Grian had finally managed to sneak away to visit him, and the smaller man was wide-eyed with glee as he took in Doc’s new prosthetic. He laughed as Grian made grabby-hands towards him. “How does it work?”

“You’ve seen me work on it,” Doc said with a smile, flexing his fingers - and he still couldn’t get over it, the finely tuned responses, the way he could _feel_ the movement— “It would take a long time for me to explain it all to you again.”

“Yes yes, I know that, but like—”

Doc burst out laughing as Grian stomped his feet, hands flailing as he seemed to want to reach out and grab him, barely able to stop himself from doing so.

_(Doc knew about the rules, about Grian’s hesitance to break them - but Doc wanted him to. Gods, but he wanted—)_

“Did you get it to work? Can you actually feel things with it?”

Doc shook his thoughts away as he smiled down at the smaller man. “I can. I had a lot of help with that part - neurological pathways are not my specialty, but Biffa and Xisuma helped me figure it out. It can still be improved, but we’ll keep tweaking it when we all move to the new world together. It’s less urgent now that it works, after all.”

Grian’s smile was so wide it was nearly blinding. “I’m glad.” Then, Grian’s smile seemed to waver. “I… I’m so glad, Doc.”

Doc opened his mouth to ask if the smaller man was okay, but before he could speak, Grian’s shaky smile gave way to a watery sob, tears filling his eyes while Doc watched in alarm as the smaller man broke down crying, his hands reaching out - Doc didn’t touch, but he so desperately wanted to comfort him, to figure out what was wrong—

In the end, Grian took matters into his own hands. Doc’s breath escaped him in a whoosh as Grian crashed into his chest, strong arms wrapping around him as the smaller man pressed almost desperately close to him in a crushing embrace.

Doc’s mind blanked. He found his arms wrapping around Grian’s back in turn, mindful of the wings, gently holding the smaller man close as Grian cried against his chest.

After a few minutes spent like that, holding the smaller man in his arms, Doc was able to pick out words through the sobs. “I’m sorry, I’m _so sorry_ \- it was my fault, and I’m just so happy for you, but it’s not _enough,_ I shouldn’t even be allowed to be happy for you because it was all my _fault—”_

“Grian. It wasn’t your fault,” Doc murmured. The smaller man shook against him, and Doc tightened his arms in response. “You might not see it clearly, but I do. You hold no blame for others’ actions.”

“I’m sorry,” Grian sobbed.

“Don’t be.”

As Grian’s cries slowly diminished, Doc added because he _had_ to—

“We’re hugging.”

A startled laugh bursted from Grian’s lips, wet and hoarse. “We are, aren’t we?” 

“Do you want to stop?”

Grian looked up, then, meeting his gaze with red-rimmed eyes. “Don’t you dare.”

—

Doc was twenty-nine, and in two days he would be moving to a new world. Hopefully, one he’d be able to stay in and help turn into his own. He knew Xisuma was already helping the admin set everything up for their arrival, and Doc was nervous, but excited.

It came as no surprise when Grian came to visit him - he hadn’t known to expect him, but Doc had had a sneaking suspicion after the latest letter he’d received.

He answered the door of his small log cabin, the light from his kitchen catching the white of Grian’s mask, just moments before the smaller man reached up to remove it, right there in the doorway.

“...hi,” Grian smiled up at him as soon as his face was visible.

“Hi,” Doc repeated, wearing a soft smile of his own. “You come to see me off?”

“Of course,” Grian said, brushing against Doc’s side as he walked past him into the building. Doc’s breath stuttered in his chest, but Grian didn’t seem to notice as he continued talking. “I’ve looked into the world you’re going to, and you were right. The admin is setting everything up just right - no watcher influence can reach it. You’ll be safe there.”

Doc closed the door and joined Grian in the kitchen. Without having to think more of it, he found himself preparing tea for the two of them, and he was pleasantly surprised to find that it had become a habit for him to do so whenever Grian visited. “That means I have to go off world for you to be able to visit me though, right?”

Grian nodded. “It does. It also means no more letters… but with how competent your admin seems to be, we can probably set up some form of messaging system. I think I still remember how from back in my day—”

“You sound like an old man,” Doc chuckled as he poured water into two cups. His smile only widened when it made Grian give a startled laugh as well.

“Har har,” Grian said, before continuing. “I meant from back in my admin days, silly.”

“You were an admin?”

Grian hummed his affirmative, and accepted the steaming mug when Doc offered it to him.

Doc watched as Grian held onto the mug with both hands, taking a deep breath of the warm liquid. His chest ached as he looked at the smaller man - he so badly wanted to bring him along. Doc knew, however, that Grian wasn’t his to bring. The other man had asked for more time, and Doc could do nothing more than provide it.

They walked towards the window, where Doc had put up a small couch. There was no kitchen island in the humble wooden cabin, and so their usual seating arrangement had to adapt, but as Grian settled in _right_ beside him on the couch, arms brushing together as they drank their tea in silence, both lost in their own thoughts and enjoying the moment, he found that he didn’t mind in the slightest.

After Grian had placed his mug to the side, tea gone, the smaller man sighed and sank further into Doc’s side. “This is nice.”

Doc hoped Grian wasn’t able to tell the way his heart had started hammering against his ribcage, picking up speed at having the smaller man pressing up against him. “Agreed.” He took a deep breath - and then, slowly, Doc shifted until he could curl his arm around Grian’s side, holding the smaller man close.

Grian went still.

“I… is this okay?” Doc didn’t quite dare to look down at him, to see Grian’s expression.

A small noise sounded from the back of Grian’s throat, and out of his peripheral vision, Doc saw Grian turn to face him. A small, pale hand reached towards his face, until Doc found his jaw being cupped, gentle fingers urging his head to move. Doc let him, and when Grian guided Doc to look at him, Doc found himself breathless at the warmth he found in Grian’s dark brown eyes.

“More than,” Grian confirmed, voice quiet. He hesitated for a moment, eyes darting down to look at Doc’s mouth - and _oh_ \- before returning to look him in the eye. “Is this?”

Then there were lips on his. Grian’s hand was cold on his cheek, palm cupping his jaw, and he was kissing him. Grian was _kissing—_

It rushed through him like a flood, when Doc finally kissed Grian back. The dam he’d carefully built up for all those years came tumbling down, and as the smaller man climbed into his lap, pressing the two of them even closer together, Doc found himself needing to pour his emotions into the kiss, lest he burst from the force of it.

“Is this okay, Doc? Can we have this?” Grian gasped against his mouth, hands clinging to Doc’s shoulders while his own hands at some point had wandered down to hold on to Grian’s waist.

_“Yes,”_ Doc said, voice raspy as he struggled to take a breath. He threw himself back into the kiss as if his life depended on it, and judging by the broken sound Grian made against his lips, the feeling was mutual.

—

“Mm… what time is it?”

“Good morning, Grian.”

“Morning, Doc. I - oh. You’re… very naked.”

_A small chuckle._ “So are you.”

“Oh.”

“Do you want me to get dressed?”

“No! No, definitely not, I am _quite_ enjoying the view as it were.”

_Snort._ “I’m glad, then.”

_Silence._

“How long have you been up?”

“An hour or so?”

_A gasp._ “Doc! You should’ve woken me up! It’s just hours until the portal opens, you should spend the day getting everything ready, not lying around with—”

“I spent the morning relaxing in bed with a person I care about very much. I think that’s the perfect last day before moving to a new world.”

“...I care about you, too. I might even care so much that some people would call it by _another_ four-letter word.”

“Is that so?”

“Mhm.”

“Grian?”

“Yes?”

“...I love you. I have for a long time.”

_A shuddering breath. The sounds of a bed creaking. Fabrics sliding over skin._

“I love you too. And… I have thought about what you said.”

“Oh? You mean, about—”

“Yeah. About the watchers, and I… I think I want to give it a try.”

“When?”

“It’ll still be some time. I don’t think they expect me to try something like this, and I doubt they’ll give me the chance to attempt it more than once. I’ll need to plan it carefully, make _sure_ nothing goes wrong, that they can’t find me after I’ve left.”

“Is there anything I can do to help? Where will you go?”

“I doubt it. The watchers are in a league of their own. I just… will you be there, after? Maybe I could—”

“Of course Grian. You will always have a home with me.”

—

Doc was thirty-two, and he hadn’t seen Grian in a year.

When his communicator pinged with _that_ sound, the special one that notified him that the incoming message was from an off-world source, even before opening it, Doc _knew_ it was him.

He opened the message, hoping for good news - the plan to get Grian away from the watchers safely had taken its toll on the both of them, but they were in the final stages. His heart pounded in his chest as he looked at the small screen, only to stare for a moment at the words there, uncomprehending.

_ <Grian> I don’t think I can do this, Doc _

Doc felt his stomach drop.

Grian had been doing everything the watchers asked him to for the past three years, trying to get them to pay less attention to him. They’d spoken less, and their meetings off world happened so rarely that Doc would cry if he thought deeper about it - but he, at least, had friends with him to help get him through it.

Grian was alone, with only the watchers for company.

_ <Doc> i know it’s scary, but you CAN do this, Gri _

_ <Doc> this plan is gonna work, i just know it. _

_ <Grian> But what if it doesn’t? What if they find me? Or catch me running away? I’m scared, Doc _

Doc bit his lip. He felt frustration building up within him, and that damned feeling of helplessness.

_ <Doc> isn’t it better to take that chance, anyway? _

_ <Grian> Doc… _

_ <Doc> i KNOW it’s scary _

_ <Doc> if you try, there is a chance it’ll work! _

_ <Doc> but if you stay put, you’ll never get away from them _

_ <Grian> I miss you so much _

_ <Grian> Can’t I come to visit you? We could meet up in the old cabin, like before _

_ <Doc> Gri… you know we can’t. you said it yourself, we don’t want the watchers to suspect anything, and we’ve come this far _

_ <Grian> … _

_ <Doc> you can do this. all that’s left to do is that final leap of faith, you know? _

He took a deep breath, hands trembling with emotion. His shoulder ached, and Doc winced as he rubbed at the smarting scars. There might be a storm coming, if the phantom pains were this bad.

_ <Grian> i can’t. okay? i just can’t _

Doc slumped in on himself, feeling like a marionette with its strings cut.

_ <Grian> im sorr y _

He was shivering. When had his base gotten so cold?

_ <Doc> ...it’s okay, Grian. it’s fine, you’re safe. i love you. we can figure something else out, alright? _

_ <Grian> I don’t want you to wait for me anymore. _

It felt like his heart stopped beating.

_ <Grian> I’m not ready I’ll never be ready and you deserve better, I’m so so sorry Doc _

_ <Grian> You have people, and you’re so much stronger than me. you deserve better _

_ <Grian> You will be okay, and you should live your life while you have it, and not just spend it waiting for me _

_ <Grian> I love you. I’m sorry _

—

Doc woke up with a shudder. 

He turned thirty-six that day. It wasn’t a big, fancy number, nothing special about it - but the hermits had demanded that he throw a party for them to celebrate him, anyway. He loved them for the gesture, but seeing as he hated the day itself and what it represented, Doc had managed to convince them to have the party the day before.

Doc’s plans for his actual birthday were always the same, and after drinking some water and eating a healthy dose of steak to dampen his hangover, Doc washed himself off and left his base to head to the world portal.

—

The cabin never changed.

Other than seeming a bit more weathered by time, it didn’t appear to have seen any visitors since the year prior when Doc himself was there last, and so he didn’t get his hopes up as he quietly unlocked the door and stepped through into the dark kitchen.

With a small groan, he brushed the snow off of his boots, and set to getting the kitchen back in order. Doc didn’t need much, having brought most of his meals already prepared, but he fancied a cup of tea, and so water and a furnace was a must.

The inside of the cabin grew warmer as Doc worked, and soon he could sink onto the ratty old couch with a steaming mug in hand, gently sighing as he felt the warmth of the small house chase away the stiff pain in his shoulder.

Doc chuckled quietly to himself, half-singing out the first few lines to ‘happy birthday’ as he picked through the bag he’d brought, until he could fish up a notebook as well as a few pens.

He started writing.

_Dear Grian,_

_I hope you are well._

_I think I am starting to understand your perspective of time, at least to a certain degree. Can you believe it’s been four years since we last spoke? Five since I saw you in person, too. I turned thirty-six today, and that means—_ _No, scratch that, actually, I don’t understand the way you look at time at all. If anything, we’re opposites. It probably feels like no time for you at all, but for me, it’s been an eternity._

_I still miss you. I don’t think about you every single day (the hermits are too crazy for that, and my days are never boring), but it’s a near thing._

_Did you know that I refuse to let the hermits celebrate my birthday on the actual day? It’s probably a bit silly, but I like spending it with you, even when you’re not actually here with me. Take it from this old goat - you might have the years beneath your belt, but I can feel the weather in my bones, these days. And my bones are telling me that you aren’t as far away as you make it seem._

_You are not forcing me to wait, you know. It is my life, and I get to choose how I spend it._

_Likewise, your life belongs to_ _you._ _It’s not right that you cannot have the same freedom as everyone else._

_I don’t know what else to say, Gri. Just know that it is never too late. If you need me, reach out. You know where to find me._

_Signed, your eternal friend,_

_Doc M._

Satisfied with the state of the letter, Doc hummed as he carefully tore the page from his notebook, before he folded the piece of paper and walked to the small bedroom. He left the letter on the pillow.

Late that night, as he turned out the lights and took one last glance behind him before locking the door to return back home, Doc swore he could hear the fluttering of pages being turned.

—

Doc was thirty-eight, and they were changing worlds yet again. Xisuma had mentioned someone new joining them for the new one, but Doc was more concerned about those that were leaving.

He didn’t cry as he hugged the hermits that would not be moving on with them, saying their goodbyes, but some of the others certainly did. Doc’s breath was stuttery as he stepped through the portal, but as the rush of magic beared down on him, it felt like he was being made anew.

There was bright sunlight turning the back of his eyelid white. He squinted against it, and Doc felt the warmth of the sun reflecting up from the sand he could feel crunching beneath his feet as he stepped out of the portal.

He looked up at the sound of voices.

For the slightest of moments, Doc didn’t recognise him.

No mask, no purple robes.

...but even after all those years, Doc could never forget. He walked across the beach until the smaller man was in front of him, turning away from where he’d been speaking with Xisuma to look up and meet Doc’s eyes.

“...Doc?”

“It’s good to see you, Grian.”

—

After that first day, when they all had tumbled out onto the beach at spawn island together, Grian and Doc kept their distance.

He didn’t know Grian’s reasoning, but Doc knew his own - they weren’t lovers. Not anymore. To be frank, Doc didn’t know quite _where_ they stood, but he knew that what Grian needed was a friend. Grian needed to experience his newfound freedom for himself, to get to know the others, before anything else.

Doc was also aware of how young Grian seemed. And Doc, well. He wouldn’t consider himself _old,_ but there was no denying that he was older. Older than Grian, maybe not in years, but definitely in appearance. He wasn’t getting any younger… while Grian stayed the same, a mirage frozen in time.

Maybe Doc kept his distance, not only to give Grian what he needed, but also to protect himself. Maybe Grian’s reasoning was the same.

Doc still caught his eyes trailing after the smaller man whenever their paths crossed.

He still felt Grian’s eyes watching him in turn.

—

Just before Doc turned forty, he found that he needed a break. They had moved worlds yet again, and when Grian had been late to join them—

Xisuma had reassured him that it was all planned, that Grian was simply staying behind in the previous world a bit longer to say goodbye, but for those painful hours where Doc had been frantically pacing the spawn island in a panic, thinking that the watchers might have gotten a hold of Grian somehow during the move - it had forced Doc to come to face with a few things.

Things he couldn’t deal with while Grian was _right there._ So, he took a break.

A few months spent off world, traveling and visiting old friends and places, retracing his steps as he tried to figure his mind out. It was sorely needed, because—

He still loved him.

Doc, hopelessly pining for a man that would never age, that would never change. Except, the last part wasn’t true, was it? Grian _had_ changed - and that was probably why he’d needed to step away for a bit.

Grian had changed so much during his stay with the hermits. He had friends, now. He was less quiet, and it was never a dull moment with the smaller man around. Chaos and pranks and shenanigans followed him around wherever he went, and the first time Doc got to see him throw his head back and _laugh,_ so openly, so freely—

Doc needed to get himself under control. His chance had already slipped between his fingers like grains of sand, and it was about time for Doc to reconcile himself with that fact. Doc knew how close Grian was with Mumbo, with Iskall, with Scar and Ren and so many of the others.

He hadn’t realised that he was still waiting, after all that time. Even when Grian was right there, Doc had still been waiting for him.

It was time for him to let go.

It was enough to know that Grian was happy, that he was free. He should seek his happiness with whoever he wanted to - Doc simply needed a bit of time to mentally prepare himself for it. After the scare Grian had given him while moving worlds, Doc knew he could be content so long as Grian was in his life. It would be enough.

—

One day while Doc was out hiking, his communicator pinged.

He stopped and wiped his brow, grimacing at the feel of sweat sticking to him, before opening the small device, peering at the bright screen.

_ <Grian> Hey _

Doc blinked. Grian was texting him? Before he could text back, another message popped up on the screen.

_ <Grian> You didn’t leave a letter this time _

His breath caught, and it was not at all because of the exertion. It had been his birthday a few days prior, but Doc had not gone to the old cabin he and Grian had spent so much time in. With trembling fingers, he typed out his reply.

_ <Doc> ...hi _

Another message came in.

_ <Grian> I had been looking forward to it, you know _

_ <Grian> I miss you _

Doc was confused. He felt like the way his heart was pounding could not be healthy, and he wiped his clammy palm on his jeans.

_ <Doc> i wasn’t sure you even got them. you never said. _

He hesitated, before adding another message.

_ <Doc> miss you too _

There. Unassuming enough for it to not ache as he typed it out. A confession in and of its own right, but hopefully nothing that would end up hurting him in the end.

_ <Grian> I did _

_ <Grian> I got them all _

_ <Grian> When are you coming back? _

Doc bit his lip.

_ <Doc> soon _

_ <Grian> Good _

_ <Grian> Don’t you know it’s rude to keep a gentleman waiting? _

_Ah._ The two of them had always been more alike than Doc could seem to wrap his head around, after all. Maybe Doc had been just a bit oblivious, too.

—

When he stepped back through the world portal, Grian was waiting for him at spawn island.

The shopping district was a bustling, colourful mess behind him, but it faded from Doc’s attention when the smaller man walked up to him, stepping right into his personal space until they were standing toe to toe.

“Why did you leave, Doc?”

He was so beautiful. Doc couldn’t break his gaze from the smaller man’s eyes if he tried.

“I needed some time to think. It was nice, but I’m glad to be back, now.” _Back home. Back with you. I missed you. I love you._ Things he didn’t say, _couldn’t_ say—

There were lips on his. Brown wings fluttered behind Grian’s back, and Doc felt the soft feathers brush against his palms. Grian was _kissing_ him—

Gently, he placed his hands on the smaller man’s shoulders and pushed him away. “It’s been a long time since you did that, Gri.”

“So?” Grian asked, voice soft. Those deep brown eyes were staring at him, flaying him open and leaving him bare to the world. “I feel like we’ve both been kept waiting long enough. Time is a finite resource, you know.”

“Not for you,” Doc gently reminded.

Grian’s eyebrows furrowed in a frown. “What? Doc, look at me.”

“I am.”

“No, I mean - _really_ look.”

Doc did. He saw pale skin, brown eyes, strawberry blond hair. Light brown wings fluttering in the wind. A dusting of freckles across the bridge of his nose. Eyes that crinkled gently at the corners, small lines that spoke of time spent laughing—

His breath caught. His hand was raising up to cup the smaller man’s cheek before he could tell himself it was a bad idea to do so, and Grian didn’t stop him, letting his face be tilted this way and that as Doc took him in.

“You didn’t have those before,” Doc breathed, staring at the laughter lines in awe.

The furrows deepened when Grian’s face split into a gentle smile. “Don’t you remember? Watcher magic can’t reach this world. Xisuma is just too good at his job for that.”

“You’re… aging?” Doc felt lightheaded. His voice was barely a whisper as he almost didn’t dare to hope.

“I am,” Grian confirmed.

Hesitatingly, Doc let his hand drop away from Grian’s cheek. “That doesn’t have to mean anything, you know? This is… we’re still—”

“I didn’t want to be left behind by you. It was… selfish, in a way, but now I know I won’t have to be. My life is better when you’re in it, and I was starting to think you’d never come back to me. That I’d missed my chance with you, and the thought of it hurt enough that I… heh. I had to take a leap of faith. You never know until you try, right?”

“I…” Doc took a shuddering inhale, but he didn’t protest when Grian stepped back into his personal space again, chests touching as strong arms wrapped around his waist, holding him close. “I figured you had moved on. That you would want someone who looked more to be your age, or… something.”

Grian huffed. “I am older than everyone else you know. If I wanted someone that looked my age, I would be back in the graveyard of the halloween district of the previous world.” Doc snorted at that, gently shaking his head. Grian continued, “Besides, what I want is you.”

Doc trembled. The arms around him tightened in response, and Doc let himself slump down until he could burrow his nose into Grian’s hair. “Can we have this?”

“We can.”

“Are you sure? I feel too old to have my heart toyed with, you know.”

Grian laughed gently at that. “As an ancient being, I resent that,” he said, making Doc chuckle brokenly along, “but yes. I am sure. I love you.”

And, finally, Doc let his tears flow, wrapping his own arms around Grian in turn as he said, “I love you, too. Gods, but I love you.”

**Author's Note:**

> Song rec: Hello my old heart - The Oh Hellos


End file.
